Trust issues and friendship.

this kinda jumps around but that's my state of mind and I'm to drained to re-edit.

trust |trəst|

nounfirm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something

verb [ trans. ]believe in the reliabilitytruthabilityor strength of I should never have trusted her [ trans. ]he can be trusted to carry out an impartial investigation [as adj. ( trusted) a trusted adviser.

• ( trust someone with) allow someone to haveuseor look after (someone or something of importance or value) with confidence I'd trust you with my life.

• ( trust someone/something to) commit (someone or somethingto the safekeeping of :they don't like to trust their money to anyone outside the family.

friendship |ˈfrendˌ sh ip|noun

• a state of mutual trust and support s.

I have had major trust issues my entire life. If you've followed my blog in the past then you know why. My entire life starting with my father, then respected people in my religion, then family members I thought I was close to and finally friends, have in one way or another left me with major trust issues. People I would have trusted with anything, in the long run have fell completely short due to whatever reasons. 

Now I'm not just talking anyone here. I'm talking about people you would literally trust your life with. Apparently I'm a poor judge of character or I just attract those kind of people. Maybe I give off and stench of vulnerability and people just jump on it. "Oh look, she's weak, let's see what fun we can have. I like to play with my food before I eat it." I really don't know. I wish I did. 

It took me years to overcome a lot of my trust issues. Years of hard work. I decided I can't go through life not trusting people. It's not healthy and it's really no way to live, so I put myself back out there. 

I'm not saying I'm God's gift to the world of friendship. I'm not. I don't keep in contact everyday. Time gets away from me when I'm busy and I totally lose track. But you can damn well be sure that if a friend calls me and says they need me, I'm there. I have never turned a friend away because I didn't have time. I make time. Friendship to me is about trust and support. Even if I can't be there physically, I can be on the phone or text or video on line. All the friend has to do is ask. If they don't ask, well, I'm not a mind reader. If a friend brings up concerns about our friendship, I'll address it. If I don't, it bothers me.  I just ask the same in return. I don't think that's too much. I don't think I'm asking too much. Tell me if I'm wrong. I really want to know. 

I mean if you can't trust your friends to be honest with you, who can you trust.  If you know they are talking about you and making false analysis of you behind your back and then you address these issues  and they ignore it, they don't think much of your friendship do they? If they skirt around issues and avoid what's right in front of them, they don't respect your concerns so therefore they are not really your friends. It's one sided and maybe they are just friends with you because you have something they need. 

In the past two years I've again been hurt deeply by a few people close to me or who I thought were close to me. One person of which I never thought I would have to worry about. One that I kept telling myself "Well as long as I have this person, it will be okay. I won't lose faith that trust is a myth." That was the hardest to take and then two other 'friends" who I have confided in have let me down seriously. I have been feeling myself being more and more guarded. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I find myself even pulling away from two other really close friends, because I'm afraid something bad will happen. I feel like if I tell them too much they will just not handle it and leave. I feel like all that hard work i've done is being undone and I truly don't know if trustworthiness is real anymore.

I'm experiencing lots of anxiety over this. I'm finding myself questioning and trying to analyze things said to me as to whether I believe them or not. I'm experiencing minor panic attacks. I haven't had those in many many years. If I get a full blown one, I don't know what I'll do. 

My track record with friends has seemed mostly one sided. Usually people wanting to be friends because they can get something from me. Once it's used up, they walk out the door or do something to break the friendship up.  Again which makes me think it's me. But I do have a small amount of close friends that I still would trust with my life. (I hope you know who you are) I just get nervous that I'll do something or bug them at the wrong time, or open up too much and they will just end it. This being one of the experiences I had recently. 

That's my insecurity rearing, (but with good reason). Something I really thought I had gotten over. It's amazing how a few experiences in a short time can undo years of hard work.

I'm tired of being used. That's how I feel. I feel used.  I don't know that I will ever put myself out there again to the extent that I have recently. I don't think I will ever let my guard down, not till I know someone inside and out from here on out. 

I'm just baffled that two of the people I thought were my friends don't even respect me enough to be honest with me and address my concerns when they have been brought up. It has also taken a chunk out of my self confidence. Maybe I'm not a nice person, maybe I'm a bad person. Maybe I'm annoying as hell. These are all things that plagued me growing up. I must be a horrible person for people to treat me like this. But, I know that's not true. I'm a good person. I am always true to my friends. I always give the benefit of the doubt to people, even to a fault. I ultimately want to see the good in people.  

I know I need to go see someone about my anxiety (among other recent revelations) I don't want to get back to the point of never wanting to leave my house. 

Upon analysis of my latest experience. I know it is not a true friendship. I tried to figure out why and I think I have. If I could give this person what they wanted or share in their favorite activity we would be best buds. I see it now, plainly right in front me. I see another friendship this person has and can see why it works so well. But I can't partake in this pass time, that seems all consuming. It's not my main focus and it makes me uncomfortable. So therefore we have nothing in common and therefore why my concerns have not been addressed. It's not important enough. It's not first on the list. There are only so many hours in a day I suppose. I've accepted it. 

I know I'm being vague. I'm still taking into consideration this persons feelings.   or