Self analysis. 

Yeah, coming to more realizations. Namely alcohol. I’m starting to see the subtle affects.  I definitely know it’s hindering my weight loss. I have also been tracking my moods based on when I drink and how much. I seem to be fine if I stick to one drink but when I have more than one I definitely notice I’m more depressed the next day and have way less energy. If I drink several nights in a row I start to slip back into negative patterns and negative thinking. Things I’ve fought so hard to change the last few years. I also see these affects on people close to me when they do similar patterns.  Productivity definitely goes down and negativity abounds. I also noticed I sleep better when I haven’t had more than one. I have a problem with my left leg going numb when I sleep. It’s much worse when I drink.

The biggest realization of all this was recently when we got back from vacation. We were flat broke, barely had money for food and had no money to buy any alcohol. I must say it was one of the best weeks I’ve had in a long time. Both our moods were up even though we were broke. We were both motivated to get things done and be productive, because neither one of us was dragging and depressed. We were smiling and laughing and I saw light for the first time in a while. Funny how quick and easy it is to slide right back to old habits. 

My second realization was when I started calorie counting. I didn't have the calories, so i wasn't drinking. I was up and feeling good about myself and even wanting to exercise. The problem with exercise is it was leaving too many calories left over to eat and I really wasn't hungry enough to eat that much. So, I was like, wow I have calories for drinking. So I did. What do you know, depression cycle started again. Energy level back down to where exercise sucked again. Then I was pissed because I still wasn't using all my calories and I stopped losing weight and gained a little. Something was brought to my attention by a friend. It might be the amount of alcohol causing me to gain weight. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Which brought me to a day of self analysis. 

I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, but if I continue the way I am, I will be. Sometimes you just want to get lost and feel numb and that’s what I do. More than I should. Sometimes I have several drinks to dull the aches and pains in my body too. Now I'm not talking about getting drunk. It takes a lot to get me drunk, but just enough to dull the senses.  I need to not do that anymore and I need to deal with issues on my own and not drown them and bury them any longer. I need to vent through exercise rather than alcohol.  Alcohol is an easy fix, but then creates a whole world of new problems. 

I saw the complete change in my grandfather when he stopped drinking. He was miserable and unbearable to be around. Later, he was actually funny and likable. I would have like to have grown up with him like that.  I’ve seen what it’s done to my Father’s whole side of the family. They are all alcoholics, depressive and abusive. I’ve seen over the last few years how it’s affected my life directly. 

Moderation I know is the key. Sometimes I'm fine with just one drink and sometimes I just don't want to moderate. I like the feel of the glass in my hand, the tingle of the ice, the taste, but I’m just gonna stick to gluten free beer for a bit and see how my mood changes. See if things become positive again. I hate feeling down and bad about myself and I know after several days with it in my system, that’s exactly how I feel. Then I hate myself more for it. 

I don’t want to hate myself anymore. I don’t want to drown myself anymore. I want to be happy and healthy and love my life. If I can’t find a balance and that means I have to give up one more thing I love, then I will do it. It’s worth it to me. I owe myself that. It hasn’t killed me with other things I’ve had to give up.(every imaginable yummy food in the world)  I’m still here and better for it.  I guess this is where I start. I'm responsible for me. No one else. Behold a new and mighty me. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaawwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!   or