Oh man, what a week of revelations or not. I'm not really in my right mind.

So since my house guest left I've been struggling with some anxiety. As a matter of fact I had one really bad day when she was here. I was all panicky when we went to the San Jose Museum of art. There weren't too many people there so I ended up being fine. I thought I was moving forward till tonight.

I've had some flashbacks with the whole Candace Conti trial. I admire her and think she is such a strong woman for what she did and then I chastise myself for not being that. I wish I had had the courage to do what she did. Maybe I could have saved a few kids from peril. I don't know. I will never know. 

I had a major meltdown tonight. I cried on and off for about an hour. And now again as I'm writing this. By nature, I'm not a hateful person. I pretty much can tolerate or forgive anyone with the exception of my father. I gave him the opportunity to admit and apologize for his heinous crimes and he basically laughed in my face and then nearly flew over the table to strangle me before my step mom walked in on our conversation. 

He is one person I will never ever forgive, because he has no repentance. So why after opening a dialog with my step sister do I feel guilty. She tells me he's been kind of "Phantom" ill for a few years. Which really is nothing new. He used to always say his back hurt when he didn't want to address or deal with something. He had some bad surgeries for his knee and back recently and now he is mostly bed ridden and can only walk with a cane or walker. Why would this make me feel bad. He has done nothing but destroy lives for 74 years. I hate this man with all my heart, yet I'm conflicted for hating. Why is that? I hate myself right now. I've only wished him to die horribly and lonely and miserable because that is what he deserves. So why am I beating myself up.  I truly, with all my being, hate this man. Yet I am hating myself for hating.  I hate even more that he has done this to me. I'm so angry and still sobbing. I want nothing more than for him to suffer a horrible death, yet I am torn up about feeling this way. 

My search for a therapist begins tomorrow. I cannot let him control my life any longer. Comments please!!!

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