Can't sleep.

I hate when I can't sleep. My mind is on non-stop tonight. It's jumping all over the place. Ultimately though, I keep coming back to one place. My past. Now I've come tremendously far, especially in the last 3 years. If you've known me longer than that, I'm sure you've seen the change. If you haven't known me that long, you'll just have to take my word for it. 

I've struggle and fought and screamed my way to where I am and I've done my best to put the past behind me. For the most part, I have. I'm starting to realize though that it will always be with me. I will never be able to let it go completely. It creeps up from time to time and I get so mad when it does, but I'm starting to realize I will never be totally "over it". It's a part of me whether I like it or not. It's shaped me into who I am, who I want to be and who I don't want to be.

I don't go around playing the victim or wearing my past on my face like a puppy dog. I do my best not to do that. (at least I think I do) If I did play the poor me card, I wouldn't have moved so far forward. The last three years have been about finding myself. Who I really am. What makes me happy and what doesn't.  It's been about finding a bit of independence and being true to myself. 

I'm just really angry tonight about the fact that one selfish man shaped my whole being and then a group of selfish, scared, ignorant men kept me in a "prison" for so many years. Telling me I was the one who was wrong. Telling me how i should feel and think. Making me out to be the heretic, because I could not forgive someone who stole my childhood. Telling my the only therapy I needed was prayer.

When I get like this I usually feel like I've taken a few steps back. Tonight, I don't feel that way. I just needed to vent and I now understand it's okay when it creeps up. It's a part of me. I just have to let it out, work through it, have a cry and then keep moving forward. That's all I can do right? 

I do feel a major painting session coming on though, so it wasn't all a bad thing, 

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