Wow revelation!!!

I was in the shower and think I had a revelation about my sister. She ultimately needs to be needed. Whether it's good for her or not. Like an addiction. You know it's bad for you but it makes you feel good. Her kids are all grown up and needing her less. She's overfeeding her dogs to an unhealthy level because she still has the need to mother and smother, and she keeps going back for more shit from our mother. I know that's it. It has to be. I feel better. (a bit anyway) I knew I could work it out. Yay. Just had to confirm how really fucked up my family is :)


Okay so I spend a rather pleasant day with my mom and my sister yesterday. No fighting, no arguing. A little rehashing of the past, but that always happens. My family can't get out of the past. They can't move forward. Which brings me to this. First of all my family is so secretive. Keeps everything a secret. Okay that said, I had thought I had moved forward from the whole fiasco with my brother ten years ago and him trying to destroy my life and all. Well while visiting my sister ( the one in CA) she pointed out that my mother caused the whole problem and said I was trying to put her out of business and take all her students. This utterly shocked me. After slaving for this woman most of my teen and early adult life (for no income mind you) she is going to lie about me and cause me so much stress. 

Well I took it at face value at first. Coming from the source. Well it was confirmed yesterday by my other sister. The one I thought I was close with. I got pretty angry. I told her so and how hurt and upset I was. I'm said "you couldn't have told me ten years ago the my mother was the source of all my stress and anxiety. You didn't think that was important." 

I love presents

I got this today. (yenney beaming) from crimsonsilk. 


I opened it to find not one, but two cards. (beam beam)


so pretty. I love this kind of paper.



mmmm. Smells so good. I might go take another bath so I use them.


the stars and the brightly colored tissue paper are awesome. 


brownie points for dragonflies. :) So pretty. This picture does not do it justice. Now, what to put in it? 


Okay, this is the best. Two (not one) two original paintings by Crimsonsilk. I am so honored. The top one is Winter bloom and the bottom Summer Bloom. (correct me if I'm wrong and if I have them upsidedown. :) ) I love these so much. Very honored. (bows royally)


cool these look like fun. I'm so bad at reading though. I still have the two books Jeni lent me. I'll do my best though.


and last but not least a very pretty bracelet. 


thank you thank you thank you. You are the best. I'm gonna go hang these paintings.  SMOOCH!!!!!


I had a strangely pleasant conversation with my mother this evening. So pleasant in fact that B had to ask me several times who I was talking to. Normally I am shaking or having a raised voice conversation with her. She was pleasantly and uncharacteristically supportive of our decision to move. No guilt trip, no nagging, no planting seeds of doubt. Weird. She asked a zillion questions to pump me for info but we actually had a pleasant conversation. I was dreading the initial call, but glad I made it. Hmmmm. I have my theories but I'll leave it at that.

green instead of blue

It came out green but I don't mind.  I like the style too. Happy all around. It's green all underneath.

Photo on 2009-09-22 at 14.52Photo on 2009-09-22 at 14.53Photo on 2009-09-22 at 14.54

Yay Hair

Getting my hair done today. i have so many grays. I want to do something fun but not too crazy. Not sure if my hair stylist will do what I'm going to suggest, but hopefully. I'll post later.

Anxiously awaiting.

I'm anxiously awaiting a pressie package from crimsonsilk. I love presents. I can't wait. It will be extra good because I'm feeling sinus crappy again. B an myself are both sick again. Not as bad as last time but a pain in the butt non the less. 


stuffy head for two days now. 


More paintings up...

words out

So I told all three of my employers today that we are moving. The one that I thought would be mad was cool. I just have a clause in my contract that says I can't tell anyone I'm leaving. (accept one parent already knows by other means so hopefully he won't tell anyone else)

The one I thought would be cool, cried. She's really upset. She really likes me and was so happy that I fit so well in her school. In turn I started crying.

And the third. I haven't heard back from the third, but I'm not expecting bunnies and rainbows. Seeing as she's been begging me to come back for six long years and she finally got me. 

I did another painting today. I'm not sure if it's finished. I haven't looked at it since it dried. It will be in the things "dear to me" series. I think I'm calling it Yenney/Imara. It's a yin yang of sorts but different design. 

I have a picture in my head of a landscape I saw yesterday when driving. I would love to duplicate it but am afraid of failing. Well maybe not failing. I know I won't do it justice. I should just try it anyway. Maybe in the morning. I can always paint over it.

Yay me!!!

So I had my six month checkup yesterday, totally expecting a scolding for not taking my blood pressure med since April. I explained how I went gluten free and that the blood test was skewed because I had been gluten free for three weeks prior. He agreed after I told him all of the symptoms that have disappeared. He was very pleased when he took my blood pressure. He was surprised and then told me like half or more women end up on blood pressure meds eventually.  (in my head I was thinking "nope, not me. I will be fine from now on".) He said as long as I keep losing weight it should be fine, but if I stabilized it might go up again. He was also glad at how much weight I lost. He was cool. I was expecting a different reaction, because back when I had the test the nurse was a bitch. 

I know this wasn't interesting but that's what I felt like blogging about. :) I'm not sure he has ever taken anyone off BP meds before. Yay me!!! (patting myself on the back) 

Oh God... I feel so old.

Full day of classes yesterday. Don't know what I would have done if I didn't have an hour break in there. My body hurts so much. My feet an knees haven't been this bad in a long time. I'm going to ice my right knee while I have my coffee. My body feels older than It should. (not my brain though) I'm so glad my tuesday classes don't start till October. But I'm secretly wishing there are not enough kids to run them. I'm getting to old to be on my fee that long.  Wow, this sucks. <takes deep breath> I be better once I can get moving.

More stuff to sort through, bring the dogs to the groomers, run errands and try to figure out something for dinner. 

I one girl yesterday, right in the middle of lyrical, she decided not to dance. She just sat like a limp on the floor and looked at me and said "No." What do I do with that? I left her there.

I found one of my favorite hats today

So I was sorting through my oodles of yarn today and found my grover hat. Yay. Forgot i had it actually.  So I'm wearing it as we speak and will till I go to bed and I'll probably wear it tomorrow as well. I love hats. Baseball hats in particular. I would live in them 24/7  if I could.  I have never been brave enough to wear one with a dress. Maybe I'll have to put that on my list of things to do.

Photo on 2009-09-13 at 17.44

I've concluded...

So as I was walking the dogs yesterday after I had sent Jeni my "warming up my cute" pictures, I was thinking how I'm a little over a year from being forty. Youch! And I thought "wow I'm still sending silly pictures and acting immature and having a blast. What would people think?" 

Then I concluded " I will never act my age. What is my age supposed to act like anyway? Boring, solemn...Not me. Who makes up those rules anyway?" 

I will simply act how I want and if that means sending random, silly immature pictures to my friends, then I'll do it till I die. Yep.  I will. 

I'm finally just learning to have fun and there is no stopping me.

Yay B!!!

So my year or so long ordeal with a broken screen is done. B dismantled my computer and replaced the screen. Now I understand why Apple charges $800.00 to replace a broken screen. Everything works great except the cd drive. I guess it's a fair trade off. Don't know why it doesn't work. we probably forgot to connect something. But now I don't have to move my window around constantly to see whats on my screen. B is awesome even though he doesn't think I think so. Soul mates to the end. Till the very fuckin' end. now I have to look at Jeni's pics again now that I can see them in full. They make me smile. :) :) :) 

this made my night.

 I had a long week of standing on my feet and it culminated this evening after dance classes. I came home and opened my email and found these. 

DSC01819   DSC01797DSC01814   DSC01807  

OMG I'm still smiling. These are the best ever. The first two especially. I will pull these out whenever I am having  bad day.

I love my cute, awesome, talented, funny, smart and beautiful friend Jeni.


I feel lost in a cavalcade of antiquity

need to paint. need to paint . need to paint. need to paint.

Did I mention I need to paint. Running low on supplies. Waiting to get paid so I can restock. I'm getting a slight urge to write, but it's not that strong. Not sure I'm going to like teaching at one of the places I'm working at. A bit disorganized. Can't make up their mind if classes are canceled or on. Very frustrating. I really don't want to go in for one class. I'd rather have the night off. We'll see. The place I started at today I know I will love.  The third place I haven't started yet and I know it will be a bit frustrating because of the lack of talent and dedication. Hopefully I'll be pleasantly surprised. Oh an apparently all my ballet music has been sucked into a black whole somewhere. Can't find any of it.

I have so much to do and no desire to do it. Having doubts again. (whoop whoop, go varitek) Sorry watching the sox. Where was I, oh yeah. doubting doubting doubting. Scared, unsure, scared, reluctant, not good enough. Wait!!! I'm a Magical, beautiful, big Pixie. What am I thinking? I can do anything. I should. No regrets. No regrets. No regrets. 

Okay, two things

I just recently found out I could have had my college education paid for because my dad was in the military. I am so pissed.  Second: All you parents out there turn off fox news for a few days and let your head clear. Who the hell  would not want their child encouraged to work hard and stay in school by the president of the united state? Jesus people. It's not a subplot to  brainwash your kids. You are doing that already with religion. (oops. just lost a few of you) 

I'm so sick of people not using their brains. Yes we have a black president and yes he's a democrat. Get over it.  Everything he does is not a plot to destroy your life. He's actually trying to look out for the general population instead of plummeting us into a recession while the rich get richer. 

I guess I'll never understand.  I just wish someone had encouraged me to work harder and go to college. Instead of telling me it wasn't necessary because Armageddon was coming.

(I think Imara jumped in my body) 


I feel like I'm in Limbo. I hate Limbo. I hate waiting. I want to know what my future holds. It's reflecting in my everyday live. I don't want to do anything till I know what's up. I don't want to waste the effort. Feeling lazy and I can't find my damn book on making chain. I want to make chain. Grrr. I'll have to go buy a new one. I'm in my mood to be creative but with something new. I hate when I get this way. Like I can't stick with something. I will stick with painting. I think I really found my medium. For now anyway. I'm just low on paint and canvas. (and doubting myself again) Grrrr. It's a growly evening. 

I have to take tomorrow to power clean and sort through stuff. Grrrr. And do taxes. Yuck. Procrastinate is my middle name. I should just legally change my name to Yenney Procrastinator Hammar. Grrrrrrr. Grrrrr. Grrrrr.   or