This overwhelmed me yesterday and other off topic subjects.

I thought I'd get one last blog in before the move and before this thing they call internet, up here, is turned off. I was walking the dogs yesterday after we took down the fence and the neighbors on the hill were out on their porch. I looked up and waved and said hi. No response. Okay, no big deal. They probably didn't see me. I walked a bit further and waved again. I was wearing a bright yellow shirt and had two dogs. I know they saw me. Okay, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Then I was thinking maybe they were mad we had to cancel dinner a few months back and never rescheduled or maybe they are just happy we are going. On the way back the man was standing right at the edge of his porch looking straight down where I was and so I waved and said hi again. He just turned his head and looked at his wife. 

Now, I'm feeling a bit rejected and got on this whole train of thought. Do people not like me in general? Am I annoying? Maybe I'm annoying to be around. Maybe people are too afraid to tell me. I'm not talking about my close friends who will love me no matter what. I'm talking about everyday acquaintances. This hit me hard. Am I one of those people that people are afraid to tell they don't want to be around them so they just ignore or brush plans off? I was already feeling insecure about my sister so this line of thinking went way out of control. (and I'm pms-ing) Yay me. 

Another example of my family's Christian love.

I was really debating whether to post this or not. I'm 99.9% sure my sister doesn't read my blog, but if she does she can certainly reply and tell me I'm wrong. I'm a bit hurt and angry and needed to vent. 

Since we've "reconnected" over the past year and a half, I've really tried to giver her the benefit of the doubt. We never got along when I was growing up. She is 9 years my senior. I've been really trying to see things from her perspective and my husband has always been great at summing people up and he sees her in a whole different light. I know her past and I her why she reacts to certain things the way she does. I can look past that, I was very much the same. I feel I've grown a lot, but feel she's stayed stagnant in certain areas crucial to socialization and friends, mostly emotionally. She's fantastically judgmental, stubborn and manipulative.  Again, I try to understand where she is coming from and I know I react more to her because she's my sister. I've been not listening to my gut to give her the benefit of the doubt. This will be the last time I don't listen to my gut. 

Dwelling on the past

So this has been coming up a lot lately with friends, family, and i see it on FB forums. I'm surrounded by people who dwell on the past. What makes us do that? All it serves is to make us grumpy and anxious. I know, I used to live that way. Still anytime I get together with family, that's what it turns into, dwelling on the past. No one can seem to move forward. With my family, it's repeating the same old stories over and over. "Yes, I know, I was there."

I used to think it was a form of therapy for my family. Trying to work out all the shit that has happened to us, but I don't believe that anymore. It's another form of enslavement. It's another crutch to hold you down. I'm not sue when I broke from this. I know it's been a few years. One day over my sisters I really began to listen to how we sounded. It hit me like a mallet.  We sounded like horrible, complaining whiners who will never do anything about it. "Why am I dwelling on things I can't change? Why do I torture myself?" 

Of course I have regrets. Who doesn't? But to keep beating yourself up over them, really?  It's done, it's over. MOVE ON!!!! Live life now.  If you keep dwelling on the past soon you'll be 90 and then dwelling on the fact that you are still dwelling on the past. You've wasted all that time you could be making new memories, with no regrets.   or