Test blog.

I’m seeing if this works with the last update. I haven’t blogged in forever.

Oh man, what a week of revelations or not. I'm not really in my right mind.

So since my house guest left I've been struggling with some anxiety. As a matter of fact I had one really bad day when she was here. I was all panicky when we went to the San Jose Museum of art. There weren't too many people there so I ended up being fine. I thought I was moving forward till tonight.

I've had some flashbacks with the whole Candace Conti trial. I admire her and think she is such a strong woman for what she did and then I chastise myself for not being that. I wish I had had the courage to do what she did. Maybe I could have saved a few kids from peril. I don't know. I will never know. 

I had a major meltdown tonight. I cried on and off for about an hour. And now again as I'm writing this. By nature, I'm not a hateful person. I pretty much can tolerate or forgive anyone with the exception of my father. I gave him the opportunity to admit and apologize for his heinous crimes and he basically laughed in my face and then nearly flew over the table to strangle me before my step mom walked in on our conversation. 

Trust issues and friendship.

this kinda jumps around but that's my state of mind and I'm to drained to re-edit.

trust |trəst|

nounfirm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something

verb [ trans. ]believe in the reliabilitytruthabilityor strength of I should never have trusted her [ trans. ]he can be trusted to carry out an impartial investigation [as adj. ( trusted) a trusted adviser.

• ( trust someone with) allow someone to haveuseor look after (someone or something of importance or value) with confidence I'd trust you with my life.

• ( trust someone/something to) commit (someone or somethingto the safekeeping of :they don't like to trust their money to anyone outside the family.

friendship |ˈfrendˌ sh ip|noun

• a state of mutual trust and support s.

I have had major trust issues my entire life. If you've followed my blog in the past then you know why. My entire life starting with my father, then respected people in my religion, then family members I thought I was close to and finally friends, have in one way or another left me with major trust issues. People I would have trusted with anything, in the long run have fell completely short due to whatever reasons. 

Self analysis.

Yeah, coming to more realizations. Namely alcohol. I’m starting to see the subtle affects.  I definitely know it’s hindering my weight loss. I have also been tracking my moods based on when I drink and how much. I seem to be fine if I stick to one drink but when I have more than one I definitely notice I’m more depressed the next day and have way less energy. If I drink several nights in a row I start to slip back into negative patterns and negative thinking. Things I’ve fought so hard to change the last few years. I also see these affects on people close to me when they do similar patterns.  Productivity definitely goes down and negativity abounds. I also noticed I sleep better when I haven’t had more than one. I have a problem with my left leg going numb when I sleep. It’s much worse when I drink.

The biggest realization of all this was recently when we got back from vacation. We were flat broke, barely had money for food and had no money to buy any alcohol. I must say it was one of the best weeks I’ve had in a long time. Both our moods were up even though we were broke. We were both motivated to get things done and be productive, because neither one of us was dragging and depressed. We were smiling and laughing and I saw light for the first time in a while. Funny how quick and easy it is to slide right back to old habits. 

Happy New year.

Here's how mine started. We had a fabulous New Years Eve in Palo Alto. We did some bar hopping and then ended up at a really cool wine bar. Upper class without feeling upper class. Very relaxed atmosphere. They also have a wine tasting once a month so more opportunity to meet people.

We headed home early and hit the store for some champagne and snacks. We got home at 8:30 (yeah we are old) to find out Puppy had exploded all over the carpet. He was projectile-ing from both ends. Yay. Happy New Year. I was up with him all night because he had to go out about every half hour. 

Sunday I got a little rice in him and he stopped puking. I thought he was getting better, but again kept me up most of the night needing to go out. Yesterday the diarrhea started again and he wanted nothing to do with people food. Now I know he's sick. He would cross a bed of hot coals, pulling a sled of large rabid dogs, through the rain and snow to get to people food. 

So I had decided I was going to bring him to the vet (even though the last two times we've been in, nothing seems to be wrong. Well this morning he comes in from the patio and his backside is covered in blood. Not just a little but a whole lot. I look out side and could have sworn he was cut open and bleeding from the size of the puddle. I freak. Call the vet and they say I can bring him in at 3. Not half an hour later he goes outside again and leaves another puddle. I'm not exaggerating. I thought he was going to bleed to death. I call the vet back in tears and ask if there is an emergency clinic.  She says come right over.

Well I've had a fun few days.

I went into the local clinic last wednesday after procrastinating 2 days with an ear infection. I hate doctors, I hate the telephone, blah blah blah. Sure enough, a bad ear infection. I walked in as soon as they opened hoping they were taking walk ins. I was expecting to have the same wait you get at the ER but was pleasantly surprised. I waited about 1/2 an your to 45 minutes. 

I saw an old doctor who didn't seem real confident or was just icky with germs. (I'm not sure) The exam sucked because my ear was near swollen shut. He gave me a prescription for ear drops and said if my other ear acted up, then use the drops in both ears. Call him back after 4-5 days if it's not better. 

Friday rolls around and boom, second ear is hurting really bad. I used the drops as prescribed every 4 hours all weekend and ran out sunday night.  Ears still hurting but not as bad. Monday 9am, I brave the telephone and call the clinic. I explained how I was out of drops and my ears still hurt and now my throat hurt. Could the doctor call me in an oral antibiotic or call me back if I need to come in.

I am so fucking pissed right now...

I don't even know where to begin.

Can't sleep.

I hate when I can't sleep. My mind is on non-stop tonight. It's jumping all over the place. Ultimately though, I keep coming back to one place. My past. Now I've come tremendously far, especially in the last 3 years. If you've known me longer than that, I'm sure you've seen the change. If you haven't known me that long, you'll just have to take my word for it. 

I've struggle and fought and screamed my way to where I am and I've done my best to put the past behind me. For the most part, I have. I'm starting to realize though that it will always be with me. I will never be able to let it go completely. It creeps up from time to time and I get so mad when it does, but I'm starting to realize I will never be totally "over it". It's a part of me whether I like it or not. It's shaped me into who I am, who I want to be and who I don't want to be.

I don't go around playing the victim or wearing my past on my face like a puppy dog. I do my best not to do that. (at least I think I do) If I did play the poor me card, I wouldn't have moved so far forward. The last three years have been about finding myself. Who I really am. What makes me happy and what doesn't.  It's been about finding a bit of independence and being true to myself. 

Alum Rock Park

On this dreary, drizzly, non motivational saturday, we were trying to figure out what to do that didn't involve television, computers or sitting on our asses. We were thinking of heading into San Fran and hit the aquarium or something but it was getting late and we were both cranky. We've had a headache due to allergies and sinus issues for over 10 days. I didn't think fighting traffic and people in San Fran was going to be good for either one of our psyches.

 I really wanted to do something outdoorsy because my head felt much better outside (even though it was supposed to rain) I said "lets do a nature walk." I knew we couldn't be cranky in nature. My boss had suggested Alum Rock park because it has trails and the like. So we headed out. Of course we went to the wrong entrance and had to drive around to find the entrance that was open. We did and here are some pics. 

Okay, still talking. I love the trees out here. They have such personality. If they could talk I would sit and listen to them all day. Very rarely are they straight and tall. They are so twisted and full of character it makes me smile, so yes, lots of tree pics. (you know who they are for) Enjoy!!! I hope you see what I see.

A little Tasneemy inspiration.

Woke up today at 6am to have an international video chat with Tasneem. It's been well over a year since we have chatted live (I believe) It was supposed to be a joint painting session but the sun had not risen and my workspace is outside. Plus I couldn't hear her over the running water of the fountain outside. So I watched as Tasneem painted her first layer on a new painting. 

I have never watched her paint before, but I found it fascinating to watch and rather peaceful. She is amazing comfortable with a brush in her hand and it looks like a natural extension of her arm as she paints.  She makes it look incredibly easy. Even when she does something she doesn't like, it takes her no time to fix it and with little effort.  She started with blue, then purple and added mint green. The colors looked so pretty together. I can't wait to see her second layer of paint. 

I was so inspired that I had to find time to paint today. Watching her made me so excited. (Thanks chicky) I finished some chores, walked the dogs and then painted. I was in to fall colors today. The picture I'm posting is REALLY, REALLY horrible. The lighting just wasn't right so I will take another one at a later time and post it. It looks much better in person. I think it will also look much better once I seal it. It will have a better gloss to it. 

3rd visit to the dog park.

I went back to the dog park friday. We got up super early and were their by 7:30. We had the place to our selves. I played fetch with Miso for about half an hour when a lady, Renee, showed up with 3 dogs. Miso and Puppy started to bark because Renee was behind the gate and didn't come in quick enough. I grabbed Miso and chased Puppy away and they all came in. She noted that most dogs do that when there is a separation of a gate or when on leash and I agreed. I put Miso down and the greeting began. She has a 5 year old long haired dachshund named Michael Angelo,  a 12 year old mix named molly and a 14 year old mix named buddy, who was a rescue. 

Mikey (Michael Angelo) was very vocal and immediately tried to dominate Miso. MIso of course wouldn't have it and gave a warning growl. Mikey tried again and Puppy took this opportunity to dominate Mikey. I told him to get down expecting to get yelled at. I was still shell shocked from wed. Renee said. "Let them work it out."  I was shocked. That's how I feel. So for half an hour Miso, Puppy, and Mikey had a threesome going. Nobody was winning. I got to talking with her and told her about wed. She immediately said. "You didn't leave did you?" and I said "Yes, I was in shock and didn't want to get into a screaming match." "Don't let that group scare you away. Their dogs can do no wrong." 

2nd visit to the dog park.

Wednesday I decided to take the dogs to the dog park again. We had had a perfect morning walk, no barking or growling at anyone and we even were able to meet and greet with a view dogs where we live. I was feeling awesome and proud of my reformed pooches. I looked at them and said "Let's go on an adventure." They somehow new this was a ride in the car and flipped out. 

We arrive at the dog park and there is only one person there so far, Melinda. She went absolutely nuts over Miso and even was playing fetch with his slobbery ball. She said she had never met a Pom with his demeanor. Most she had met are biters and nasty. (I felt good that all the training was helping)

 Puppy was wandering around marking his territory and Miso and I are playing fetch some more after Melinda left. I wanted him good and tired. All of a sudden 6 dogs show up at once. I noticed Miso get slightly nervous but he settled quickly. They did the meet and greet with 2 basset hounds, a Westie  we had met before, an adorable mutt and two pugs I am now calling the bully brothers. 

Launched an allergen free recipe blog.

Getting old sucks. More than I can tell you.

So, if you squeamish about hearing about women's monthly cycles, turn back now. Close the window and go away. Well, I've been mostly sick since i've been here. I was bad and eating all my allergens except wheat. I had my period a week ago and then decided to go on a detox. I've been super good except for yesterday when I had steak tacos which apparently had wheat and of course the shells were corn. I finally felt amazing on friday. Really good and lots of energy. Saturday was mediocre. I made it through dance class but was a bit low on energy and then the bad lunch. Today, sunday, feel like crappola again. Started spotting. So not happy. It's only been a week since my period. What the hell? Had amazing sex the other day, maybe between that and the detox my system is fucked up. I don't know, but as of now, my period has started again. This could be old age, shock to the system, or I'm just plain falling apart. Worst case scenario is I'm miscarrying which would only be if B's vasectomy has reversed itself. I've never had this happen. I did have a 3 week period when I started the pill at an inappropriate time but never started one week after my normal period. 

Found the local dog park.

I'm finally feeling better. Miso woke me up at 6am today. I milked it till 6:20 and then decided to get up. I took the dogs on an hour walk this morning in hopes to drain them of some energy. We headed out to check out the park across from where we live but when we got there there was a big sign that said 'NO DOGS'. :( So we set out walking the streets. I hadn't done that yet. We also found two sections of the apartment complex we had never seen. (this place is so huge)  I started a new game with the dogs when we reach stairs. I say "Wait. Ready.....Set....Go!!!" then we run like crazy up or down the stairs. They love it and it makes me sweat so it's good for all fo us. 

After the walk I ate a salad for breakfast. Made coffee then drove B to work. Now we were off to find the one out of 50 parks that allow dogs off leash. My expectations were low because my dogs bark at every other dog, but I looked at this as a trial run. It was easy to find with my GPS. It's a cute little fenced in area with small dogs on one side and big dogs on the other. Miso went crazy as soon as he jumped out o the car and saw a big dog through the fence. Puppy, however, remained calm. (very weird) 

Yaaaaaaaaaaay Me!!!! <shakes pom poms>

So my body has taken to serious rebellion when I eat garlic and onions. I used to just get a sore throat and sometimes tonsillitis. We had Korean two days ago and of course Kimchee has loads of garlic. I think my soup did too. My throat and tongue are swelled and I feel like I have tiny little cankers all under the surface of my tongue and mouth. This happened the other week as well,when I ate something with garlic and then when I had onions. I expected it to subside within 24 hours like last time, but now I'm going on day three. Not fun. I'm pissed. I will be eating bland and boring this week to try to get everything out of my system. Then if I "accidentally" have something I shouldn't the reaction won't be as bad (hopefully) I think I have a build up of allergens in my body at the moment. I've been eating way to much corn. This totally sucks. Okay, I'm done bitching. 


been trying to post my new post for 2 days and it won't post. I don't know why. I think the upgrade on the site if broken. I'm going to try to post this. I guess we'll see.

Loving it.

Other than still being exhausted, I'm loving it here so far. I'm so glad we don't have a unit in front of the pool. This end of the place is pretty quiet. It's a high traffic area because we are across from the leasing office but it's still quiet. It's good for getting the dogs used to people walking by too. They stop barking now when told. (Not sure what they do when we aren't here. ) We have hummingbirds that visit everyday as well as a family of ducks. We also have snails on our fence. Quite a lot. I haven't seen them move yet. (I think I start naming them) I need to get some mesh for the bottom of the fence. I think Miso is going to figure out he can get under it soon or realize all he has to do is dig a tiny bit. (glad my dogs aren't diggers) They have been sleeping quite a bit. I've been getting up between 6:30 and 7:30am to walk them (miso usually wakes me up to let me know he needs to go) Today we all slept till 9. 

I may have a job saturday mornings. I'm just waiting to see what the pay will be. I'm hoping it will be enough to cover doggie rent and doggie daycare once a week.  We met a nice couple at the pool the other day. I was admiring her 18 tattoos. :) They have 3 or 4 teenagers. I can't remember. 

Stressful? What are you talking about?

So sunday I got about 3 hours sleep between midnight and 3am. I was stressed that we had too much to do monday and didn't get a heck of a lot done Sunday. "Oh, loading the truck will take an hour tops." My hubbs reassured me. Bwahahahahahahaha (sorry hun) I knew it would take a lot longer and we probably should have went with the 14 ft truck instead of the 10ft. But we really thought the 10 would be more than enough. If it wasn't for the wheel wells we would have been fine.

We had to leave the credenza because it wouldn't fit with the wheel wells and I couldn't bear to lift the ouch again after already putting it in the truck. Both our backs were breaking and it's the heaviest couch on earth. I was so tired I didn't do the A. D. D checks I usually do before leaving somewhere. I usually open the drawer at least three times and then check every corner. Nope and now I'm remembering all sorts of thing we left. (Not that we would have had room for them anyway.

Whomever invented clothing, was a moron. I didn't think I had so much clothing. I had taken 3 trash bags full to the thrift store a few weeks ago. All stuff I shrunk out of. I swear over the last week my clothing had figured out how to multiply. I can't even believe how much I packed. Crazy. We made several trips to the recycling center and one to the transfer station. Trash pick up came early of course because we cancelled service so we didn't get all our trash out in time. grrrr.  Anyway, enough about monday. We crammed way too much into one day. 

This overwhelmed me yesterday and other off topic subjects.

I thought I'd get one last blog in before the move and before this thing they call internet, up here, is turned off. I was walking the dogs yesterday after we took down the fence and the neighbors on the hill were out on their porch. I looked up and waved and said hi. No response. Okay, no big deal. They probably didn't see me. I walked a bit further and waved again. I was wearing a bright yellow shirt and had two dogs. I know they saw me. Okay, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Then I was thinking maybe they were mad we had to cancel dinner a few months back and never rescheduled or maybe they are just happy we are going. On the way back the man was standing right at the edge of his porch looking straight down where I was and so I waved and said hi again. He just turned his head and looked at his wife. 

Now, I'm feeling a bit rejected and got on this whole train of thought. Do people not like me in general? Am I annoying? Maybe I'm annoying to be around. Maybe people are too afraid to tell me. I'm not talking about my close friends who will love me no matter what. I'm talking about everyday acquaintances. This hit me hard. Am I one of those people that people are afraid to tell they don't want to be around them so they just ignore or brush plans off? I was already feeling insecure about my sister so this line of thinking went way out of control. (and I'm pms-ing) Yay me.   or