Excerpts from my Portland experience (aka: meatfest 2010)

So I was off to Portland friday (a nervous wreck) I hadn't eaten or kept anything down all thursday (I was bad and went on a bender wed night) I couldn't eat friday because I was nervous about meeting my friend in person and also meeting a a whole group of online friends for the first time. My friend S met me at the airport (thankfully) and we were of to rent my first car. I was nervous about that too. :) We drove to her house after going the wrong way on the highway (not too far out of the way) She was just as nervous as me and she usually just takes the train or bus everywhere. 

She insisted on cooking for me since I hadn't eaten and thus began the meatfest of 2010. I ate mostly protein (the red meat variety) all weekend. (for dinner, breakfast and lunch) mmmmm. I'm actually redmeated out for a while. Never thought I'd say that. We hung out for a bit talking and meeting the house cats. (I successfully was a hit with most of them) Lucius, Sitha, cloud, and a few others I don't remember. Then we were off for a night on the town. Dancing was what we decided on. 

Why am I so freakin' tired ?

All I've wanted to do was take a nap everyday this week. I feel like my energy is being sucked out of me by an invisible parasite. I'm going for allergy testing on monday. Hopefully it's something I'm eating that I can cut out and feel better. (unless it's cheese) :) love my cheese.  


strength |stre ng (k)θ; strenθ|


1 the quality or state of being strong, in particular

• physical power and energy : cycling can help you build up your strength.

• the emotional or mental qualities necessary in dealing with situations or events that are distressing or difficult

strong |strô ng |

adjective ( stronger |strô ng gər|, strongest |strô ng gist|)able to withstand great force or pressure : cotton is strong, hard-wearing, and easy to handle.

• (of a person's constitution) not easily affected by disease or hardship.

• (of a person's nervous or emotional state) not easily disturbed or upset : driving on these highways requires strong nerves.

• (of a person's character) showing determination, self-control, and good judgment : only a strong will enabled him to survive.

Of late, while sharing bits and pieces of my story, I’ve been told what a strong woman I am. I’m not one who still takes compliments well and I’ve never considered myself strong. Probably because I’ve never felt strong; I’ve always felt like this weak little nobody, someone emotionally stunted and insecure. (I love the dictionary. Have I mentioned that?) So upon reading the definition of strength and strong, I guess I am. I would HAVE to be to survive what I have, or I just didn’t know any better. I did what I had to do to survive with it. Whether that makes me strong or not, I had no choice. Well, not true, I could have just taken the easy way out, but chose not too. 

Great time at the Artists Guild Pot luck

I'm glad I went. I almost didn't. It was fun. There was a live music trio called the BLT's. What fun. I met some more of the guild members and actually gave a short spiel about the website. I was a little nervous but not like I usually get in front of strangers. I don't think I stumbled over words. I was fairly articulate and friendly. (maybe a little funny) This is new. I liked it. I also wore a sleeveless shirt confidently. ( I hate showing my flabby arms) I'm in a much better mood tonight. I hope it carries forward. (and please Jebus, let me sleep tonight) :-D 

Zombieland (no, not the movie)

So I haven't slept much or well over the last 3-4 days. I figured last night I would be out like a log but apparently my mind had other plans. I had those kind of dreams that are exhausting and jump around and don't give you anything to work with. I couldn't even tell you what they were about but I'm twice as tired as when I went to bed. Can't even believe I am hitting the correct keys here. Hopefully I will have a successful nap today. I have a long evening ahead. 

It's the artist guild pot-luck tonight after work. I have to give a brief plug for the website. Not one artist has sent me a bio. it's a bit frustrating. Anyway, I'll be a half an hour late to it because of work. I am going to wear one of my new outfits. I'm officially down a size instead of being between sizes. (which totally sucked) 

I think I'm going to go try that nap now. 

Had a thought just now

while commenting on a thread about do you believe in God. I was reading everyone's posts and one person said "I don't believe in God but I'm open to it if it's proven to me." 

This made me think. What would I do if God was proven to me, absolutely, and without a doubt? Then I thought, at this point, it wouldn't matter, I would no longer be atheist, but I would still not worship him. So nothing would change really accept maybe some of my anger issues would resurface.

Wow feels like forever since I blogged.   or