Imarablog

Mother Nature is the first and best artist....EVER!!!!!

We hit the Big Basin this past weekend. It's a Redwood forest. Oh man, so beautiful. I should have posted earlier but I've been kinda of staying away from cyberspace. I don't know why. Anyway, we had a wonderful walk through the redwoods. I was amazed at the designs in the bark itself. These trees are thousands of years old and the beauty is astounding. Not all were redwoods and I admit I was taking some pics for my friend L because she loves trees. I was trying to capture some really unique and fun trees for her.  Some of the redwood trunks truly look like animals and faces are carved into them. I've posted some below. I'm drawn to these because my paintings sometimes have hidden faces and other forms mixed in among them. I felt a great connection to these trees unlike anything I've had before. It made me truly appreciate mother nature in all her aspects. "Mother Nature" being arbitrary I guess.  The detail and beauty of these trees were amazing. There was one living tree that had been completely hollowed by fire. It was labeled the chimney tree. I have a pic below. It's still alive and growing.  A lot of these trees had hollowed out spots that would make great shelter (if you can survive the bugs that thrive there)

Refreshing and nearly extinct.

I headed off to the pool tonight to find some much needed solitude. I feel like I have done nothing but run for the last three days. Though I've been "by myself" most of the week I haven't really because my dogs are like having 2 year old twins who need constant attention.  I was on my feet so long yesterday that by 7:00pm my feet and ankle were twice the normal size. (that has not happened in forever) I'm still a bit run down but doing better since I've been boiling and filtering the water here. So are the dogs. 

Anyway, getting to the point. I went to the pool and was thrilled it was empty except the faint Japanese voices coming from the hot tub. I haven't swam at all this week do to running around and the massive amount of screaming 7-10 year olds that have been flooding the pool.  I swam two laps listening to the Japanese language in the background. (I find the language beautiful. ) One female and two males.  I decided to not bother them because they seemed engaged in conversation. I gave myself a water workout for about an hour. The moon was amazing and I has wished I had brought my camera. I thought to myself "I'll grab it when I take the dogs out tonight."  An older Japanese woman came in almost running with her head down and carrying a towel and a bag. I watched her hurry to the hot tub.

Okay, so this has been good. Sometimes out of anger we find a bit of peace. :)

I went off  a bit yesterday about how people who say forgiveness is for you not the other person blah, blah, blah. I also said how much it pushes my buttons and infuriates me. After reading a very long thread on FB about forgiving vs not forgiving. I have a new perspective as to where this line of thinking comes from. It's a complete misinterpretation of the word forgiveness, because forgiveness does mean to pardon and pardoning someone for things they've done when they show no remorse is, in my book, wrong. You don't have to agree, but that's how I feel.

I now can look beyond this and not let it affect me because I know these people are just substituting the word forgiveness in for moving on or accepting what has happened etc.  (This is why I love the dictionary)

I almost didn't read the thread because I was most likely going to unleash today. I'm glad I read it. It was great. Anyway, I began to analyze why this statement pushes my buttons and why I've never been able to let it go. I've found out it's because when I was a teenager, I was told I must forgive my father or there would be no place for me in Jehovah's Kingdom. I was not told this by just one elder, but several. I knew I couldn't forgive him because he was not sorry. This sank me into the my first and worst depression of my life. I was a very faithful christian and Had to this point never even dreamed of doing anything against my religion, yet I was being told I HAD to forgive or be punished. This hit me hard. I prayed more than I can even count, asking for help to forgive. "Why couldn't I? Does this make me a bad person? I must be horrible. But I can't forgive him." Again I received the same council.  I was so depressed  and distraught that I had decided to commit suicide. 

Spiraling...

I feel like I've been on a downward spiral for a few days. I don't know why. I think part of it is diet. I've been on a heavy, heavy corn diet for a few weeks. Eating lots of corn on the cob and corn tortillas. I've felt like shit since we moved, though I love it here.  The apartment is a little dark so I've been making sure I get out and walk the dogs 5-6 times a day. The weather is perfect. Absolutely perfect. So why am I down.?  Maybe things are catching up to me and hitting all at once. 

I need to do a detox this week i think. I also think I'm having some reaction to the change in water. The dogs are reacting much the same as I am and have been a bit sick as well. Puking and other things not so pleasant. I definitely need to get a water filter. I boiled a big pot today which seemed to help a bit.  My mouth didn't react like it has been when I drink the water. ( sore and like I chewed on a Brillo pad.

I know I'm down about my sister. I really, for once, was hoping things would be different. I should know better by now. My family will never change. I will keep growing and they will stay stagnant. I have no hope now I will have any kind of healthy relationship with any of them.  It's beyond repairing at this point so I need to move on. I know this. 

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