Imarablog

Self-delusion??? (and other ramblings)

I've been told in the past that I live in my own little world. It's true, I used to. It's how I survived and to be truthful, it wasn't a happy place. I'd like to think now that I've move out of this phase and into the real world. I know I have. But self-delusion can be tough. It can make you think the world is a wonderful place and also a hateful, hurtful place. I think it's both. 

I also like to think that I learn from my experiences. Sometimes it might take more than one try, but ultimately if I fuck up, I try to analyze it so I won't do it again. I try to fix what ever it was I did wrong and try not to repeat it. Sometimes I can't figure out what I did wrong so that makes it more tough. But fixing something takes time. It doesn't happen over night. Sometimes it takes months or even years to fix something. That's just how it is. Quick fixes often fail in my opinion. They are great at the moment but don't last and ultimately cause more problems in the end.

In the height of my depression, I used to think the world was against me. In my mind it made perfect sense. Everyone and everything was out to get me. It was irrational and self-deluding.  I always took the word self-deluding as more of a happy puppy/kitty state. ex: Seeing someone who thinks everything is wonderful, with rainbows and bunnies for everyone. But I think it can work the other way too. The world wasn't against me. My mind was. I used to think my happiness depended on how much people liked me or not and had nothing to do with my input at all. Yes, people contribute to your happiness or unhappiness, but don't rule it. Once I figured this out, once I figured out I (yes that's a capital I) ultimately control my own happiness, then the world seemed a much better place. Life became worth living.

Hahahahaha

You know what I love and think is hilarious? When you unfriend someone on FB and then they get pissed and block you. LOL It's like "Yeah, well I just one upped you bitch." LOL Hahahahaha. Just sayin'.

Introspection

I had a long angry post slated for this spot, which I have since deleted. I'm glad I had the foresight to wait before posting. I have taken a long time to eradicate the angry, bitter, angst riddled person I used to be. I don't want to be that way ever again. It's funny how quickly that can surface when accused of something you haven't done.  This angered me because I've let my buttons be pushed and have been made to feel dirty and horrible. I haven't felt this dirty since I was molested by my father. So yes I'm angry. (but I'll keep that at bay for this post)

I've been told I breached a trust. (or confidentiality) For someone who has trust issues themselves, this is particularly hurtful. I sought a friend for advice and clarity to try to save a friendship of a person I respect and trusted. I needed to know if I was overreacting or not. That's all. If that is a breach of trust, then I'm guilty. I own up to it. But if you can't seek advice from a friend, then what do you do? 

This also caused me to be accused of trying to turn a friend against a friend. Even more hurtful. I've never liked those games in high school and I don't like them now. I would never, ever, EVER do that.  Which brought me to a tirade of a post  that I deleted.  I took a step back and tried to put myself in the other persons shoes. Things are rough and maybe this person needs to lash out and I just happened to get in the way. There is miscommunication and things got blown way out of proportion. Things were said that probably shouldn't have been. I get it. But isn't hashing it out part of working through problems. Apparently I'm not a friend worth keeping. In this persons mind I am a lying deceitful bitch. I'm fine with that, but I won't be so quick to attach or open up to someone next time.

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