This is my blog. I like to curse. If this bothers you, go away. Don't say you weren't warned. I will blog about random shit. Whatever comes to me when it comes to me. Feel free to write me with your likes, dislikes and/or criticisms. Don't be surprised if I respond in kind.

Wow, I'm actually blogging.

Been having website issues

So I haven't been able to publish or save anything on my site for over a month. It's been frustrating. I was able to publish today for the first time but only once. I'm sure this blog will take about 15 tries or so to publish. At least it seems to be saving my changes this time.  Wish me luck. 

First Film set experience

I tagged along with my friend Karen to an independent film set last night. it was awesome. I got to network and hopefully i will get to work with the crew in august for a dance club scene. I found the whole movie making process fascinating.  I saw Karen work her magic with make up. It was great. I chatted with one of the director/producers and hopefully he will call me in august. (fingers crossed.) I would just volunteer to be crew at this point. It was fabulous. I think I missed my calling.

I'm tired....

so very tired.

Well I seem to have been MIA

I've gone into the busy season for dance and art. Going to be crazy for the next 8 weeks. I dropped of two of my paintings for the first art show this month. It's at a dank, dark, worst location to get to part of town. The show is being held at the San Jose Bridge club (yes, as in card playing) Not sure what the range of people viewing the art will be, but hey, at least I'm hanging on a wall. Here are some pics. 

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That's me up on the top left.

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close up of "Splash" Sorry for the grainy pic. I had to lighten it. It was so dark in there. :-D

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"Firelily"  up top

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I drop off 4 paintings next week for the Triton art show. Still haven't picked all 4. Well I have but don't think I can afford to frame two of them before next week.  We'll see. Wish me luck.  I'll post pics of the next show when it happens.

Gnawing, sinking, crushing self-doubt.

So I had a feeling tonight that I haven't had in quite sometime. That sinking, sick to the stomach feeling followed by crushing self-doubt. I was kind of on a high for about a week with the news of showing my art at City Hall starting in November. Finally feeling like maybe I found my place among artists.  I've been skeptical a bit because I'm still not listed on the Art Association as an artist. I sent my information in, prompted by a fellow artist, but that was two weeks ago. Immediately I think "oh, maybe someone was offended by my site." but then told myself  "No, she's probably just busy." 

Today I got an email about the upcoming art show in June. It listed all the requirements. First of which, submit for pieces and the jury will decide if they are what best represents the association and may be rejected if the "quality" is not up to standard. Blam!!!! Sinking gnawing, crushing, sick to my stomach self doubt. I thought I had gotten past the caring about what people think of my art. I mostly have. It's not everyones cup of tea.  I do care though,  if it keeps me from doing the one art show scheduled so far. I just assumed everyone in the association could do it. 

Minor revelation tonight

I was reading through a thread on spanking and looking at all the views. Some for some against. In the years as I've gotten older I'm way against. My sister was definitely for. I was analyzing this. I don't remember her getting hit. She probably did, but I don't remember it. I remember seeing my brother get beaten till he bled and I remember my oldest sister getting hit because of her mouth. Now, my middle sister got the worst of the sexual abuse. I believe she did. That explains her extra protectiveness with her kids. But maybe because she took that brunt my dad didn't feel the need to hit her. Anyway, that was just what hit me tonight. 

So, I'm no movie critic, but...

I know what I like and I know what I don't. When I'm home sick I tend to like to watch cheesy horror. Netflix is riddled with it. It's something you don't have to think about and sometimes it's so silly that it makes it fun. Well I generally go on titles because you usually know you have a winner. (that was totally sarcastic) I picked "The bleeding house" I totally thought it was going to be an amityville rip off. (I probably spelled that wrong) Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised. I actually like it. I thought the acting was good and it held my attention. I'd give it 3 our of 5 stars. I had to close my eyes a few times, but that's okay. I don't mind. It was overly gory as gory goes these days. I'm not into gore. But I admit, it wasn't what I was expecting. I like when movies surprise me.

The second one I watched was called "The Burrowers"  When I picked it I thought it was called "the Borrowers." LOL, I totally had a whole other scenario going. It was set in the old west and I thought it sounded really cheesy. WRONG. I thought this was a really good suspenseful thriller. I give it 4 stars. It took me by surprise and I was hooked in till the end. It totally made me hate what this country's history is. (Killing Native Americans.) But that was the underlying theme. Well the underlying theme was how white men screwed up the balance between nature and people. I know I'm ruining it but it was good. You should check it out. If you hate it, oh well. I enjoyed it. It wasn't standard formula. They totally didn't mind killing characters off that you weren't expecting.  

I'm addicted to Youtube

I officially launched my youtube page. I had just put up a few videos of Puppy last spring. I now have the video bug. The first few videos were tough, but I was surprised at how quick it is becoming easy. I know I'll draw some unwanted attention or attention I've been trying to avoid, but hey, i'm gonna be me. I don't care what people think.

Holy freakin' crap! I think I met a coffee buddy.

So I was goofing around at the coffee shop, mostly people watching and I saw a lady walk up outside with the cutest chihuahua mix I have ever seen and he was wearing a hoodie. ( I fucking love hoodies. I would wear them 24/7 if I could) Okay so I kept staring at this dog because he was adorable. I told myself if the lady was still there when I decided to leave, then I was going to go say hi. (thoroughly expecting her not to be)

This over pumped up dumb dude came in and started chatting with the lady at the table next to me. They had obviously seen each other here before. She was on her laptop and he brought his but never opened it. (I'm thinking he doesn't quite know how to use it yet) yes I'm being snarky. He was obviously tying to hit on her and impress her which was hilarious. She was very sarcastic (which was totally lost on him) and had me laughing. He clearly was not getting it and she kept looking at me and smiling. I interjected once in a while, which he totally did not like. Especially, after he did the "life is like a box of chocolates" and I choked on my coffee and said "Will that never die. I hated that movie." The girl laughed and said "I know right?" It was clearly this guys favorite movie.

The Coffee Factory

So I decided to crawl out of my cave and hit the local coffee shop. I've been in twice but just to get coffee to go. I figured I would spend some time here and possibly write. I'm not feeling the love (writing that is) So I'm going to people watch for a bit. I also have to go ask if they have wifi. It's a nice place. Much better than charbucks and they roast their own coffee right on the premises. It's super awesome coffee. I will have to come in on a wednesday morning sometime when they are roasting and watch. It's run by a super friendly older asian couple. 

I normally get a black coffee of the day, but today I treated myself to a Pumpkin spice latte. You know I'm a whore for the pumpkin. It's so tasty.  

I'm in the back corner where I have a view of the shop. Straight across from me on the other end are three people. A man and two women. I think they are talking business and I'm trying to hear them, but it's so boring I can't focus. LOL There is a middle age woman in the center with her back to the door and she is reading. I feel she is very self conscious because she is hiding her face with one hand. I used to lean my head on my hand when I read in public places so no one would look at me. I now know it makes more people look at you. A young asian girl just came in and is talking super loud on her phone. There are two very senior men to my right talking away in chinese and people watching as well and last but not least there is someone reading a paper on the other side of the Christmas tree that I can't see. My plan is to become a regular. Hopefully, eventually I'll meet some other regulars. I so desperately need a coffee buddy. 

A shout out to Crimsony

Hey babe. I miss ya. I did a video just for you. Well, I decided to come out of my hole and share it on youtube. I promised this to you a long time ago. I hope you are well. I know your life has been crazy of late. (busy and otherwise) There are two video's here because I had to spit it. I didn't realize how long it was till I went to upload it. (It would never in a million years get emailed.)  

This is me painting. I've only ever let one person watch me paint. I'm dying to see your latest so give me a shout out when you can. Love ya. Miss ya.  Hope you like it. (You can only find the link here)

Anyone who is allergic to skin and side boob please do not apply.     Part one         Part two

These are the three on the videos.

Hahahaha. I can be such a dumb-ass.

So I finally did a Youtube video. Yep put myself out there. Glad only 10 people watched it before i took it down. I had a little liquid courage before doing the video. Probably not the best thing to do, but I needed some help to do my intro/history of my JW days. Plus I'm trying to get over my fear of speaking and being on camera. It was something I needed to do, but probably not after 2 Gin and Gingers. Anyway, I did it. I've since took it down. I may do more later in a better frame of mind. I'm definitely more comfortable in this arena. I like my hands doing the talking rather than my lips. I do need to get over my fear of the video camera though, but will probably stick to lighter topics other than my sordid past. We'll see.  I spent the morning sick to my stomach over posting the video. I hear it gets easier the more you do. I felt the same way when I first started blogging. Now I love it.  Can't help but feeling like a dumb-ass though. I did get one subscriber out of it. LOL (I'm up to 2) 

I passed the Fi test. Woohoo

After a nightmarish car rental i arrived at Jeni and Justin's a bit late. Past Fi's bedtime. I was so looking forward to meeting her. So the next morning when I suddenly just appeared, she gave me the natural unsure reaction. (But no crying) I just kept my distance. I didn't get too close. I didn't want to scare her. I said "Hi Fi! Good morning." I sat with her and Jeni while Fi had breakfast. Then we bonded over a game of stick your tongue out. So far so good. I didn't try to hold her or get to close. I just wanted her to be comfortable. (glad I went with that plan.) 

I sat in the living room while she played and we occasionally would stick out tongues out at each other. Then I got on the floor and we played with her favorite ball. Jeni left us to go shower and Fi didn't cry. She just kept playing. Yay!!!!. She is so cute. I love this girl. She even brought me book and sat on my lap while I read it to her. (she is going to be a book worm)

We had an amazing Thanksgiving. It was so much fun.  The most fun I've had in a long time. Everyone was in a good mood, there was no tension and I met some great people. 

Wow, I've missed flying on a real airline

Of late when i fly, I've been flying southwest because the rates are (or were) crazy cheap. Their prices are going up and I wanted a direct flight to NH this year instead of the usual 4-5 hour layover in Chicago and this time of year it's almost assured there will be more delays due to the weather. I booked Virgin America. I've never flown them before. The seats are a bit tinier than Southwest, but I fit none the less. My favorite feature is that each seat has it's own little "TV" screen. Instead of trying to wave down a flight attendant or pressing the call button, you just punch in what you need on the screen and they bring it to you. Drinks whenever and food whenver. They actually have meals too. The last two times I've flown Southwest across country I got two bags of peanuts for a 5+ hour flight. 

I lucked out in an almost full flight and the middle seat ended up being empty. Woohoo!!!! Room to breathe. I've tried to sleep on the flight because I didn't really sleep last night due to excitement and anxiety. I managed to fall asleep, but barely. I kept waking myself up thinking I'm snoring. (I guess I shouldn't really care if I am or not)  I managed to sleep all the way through Iowa :) 

My thoughts on Jesus

revolutionary |ˌrevəˈloō sh əˌnerē|


engaged in or promoting political revolution : the revolutionary army.

involving or causing a complete or dramatic change

noun ( pl. -aries)

a person who works for or engages in political revolution.

apostate |əˈpäsˌtāt; -tit|


a person who renounces a religious or political belief or principle.


abandoning a religious or political belief or principle.

Here are my thoughts on Jesus.. Jesus was the revolutionary for his time. (Much like John Lennon would have been for us. Much like we all hoped Obama would be for this country. )

Jesus was also an Apostate. Yes, cringe, but I speak the truth. He chose to leave the religion of his people which makes him an apostate. I think he saw the corruption, the lies and the oppression and wanted to change it. He saw the God of his people as a cruel, oppressive, angry, jealous, unforgiving God and wanted to change this. He wanted to reinvent God. He wanted God to be for everyone, not just one group of people, so he preached love not hate. He preached forgiveness not holding a grudge etc. (Did this make him mentally diseased?)

Volunteering day 2

We were spontaneous last night and went out and had a little too much fun. (I'm getting way to old) It really was fun. I can't have that much fun when I have to get up at 7:00 am. I woke up at 6:58 am and felt like I had no sleep. I walked the dogs, threw up several times and then drank lots of water. I felt a bit better after the purge, but had that hangover headache. I pulled myself together and went for volunteer duty.  We got tons done today and not to much standing around time. Did a lot of sorting and putting things away. I wore better shoes today  so my feet didn't hurt so bad. 

I thought with all the stuff we were doing that the 3 hours would fly by. They didn't. (stupid headache) I couldn't wait to get home and take a nap. That's exactly what I did. 

I'm enjoying volunteering and I like the lady I work with. She needs a lot of help so I think I will keep my mondays open to help her. I'm only schedule for one more monday, but next week I'll tell them I can do mondays indefinitely. I'm also doing and adult exercise class there next week. I just need to get my hands on an IPod capable boom-box.  I'm off to bed. Miso will have me up at the crack of dawn. 

First day Volunteering.

I have to say that it was interesting. I enjoyed it but felt like I was standing around a lot. (My feetzies are killing me) The language barrier is a bit difficult, but it will work itself out. We were doing great, I got there a little early and we went right to making up a room for a new family. We were making good progress and had two of the bunk beds done when another girl showed up. (the one who didn't come the day before) She speaks Spanish so her and the the head lady would start talking and having conversations and I would just be standing there for 10 or 15 minutes doing nothing. 

I could have had the whole room done in a half hour but it ended up being an hour and half. She has a very odd way of making beds as well.  I've never seen anyone make a bed this way, but she's the boss.  It seemed to be more about appearance than actually having the sheets and blankets on straight. She would make them lopsided so you couldn't see the mattress when you first walk in but then she would fold the sheets and blankets under themselves on the wall side instead of tucking them under the mattress or letting them hang. It was very bizarre. She's a sweetheart though. Then we went to the donation closet. She kept giving instructions to the other girl who would not translate them correctly because she didn't want to be there. So I managed to sort everything the way she told me and it happened to be wrong. 


I went for volunteer orientation today at a local homeless family shelter. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I had a good vibe, so to speak, after reading their website. They provide shelter for homeless families and then transition them into housing and help them find jobs, etc. They provide daycare for the kids and after school homework help. The woman who showed me around was wonderful. We talked for a good hour and she asked where I would like to volunteer. I told her I would help where ever they needed me, but I would like to start either in the donations room (organizing clothes and stuff), in the kitchen, and/or keep me on the last minute call list if they are in a bind. Somehow she translated this into working in the daycare. I laughed and said if they were short handed I would, but put me where they need me. 

She admitted that the woman running the donations section always needs help and most people don't last there because it's small and cramped and boring. I said "It sounds perfect." She showed me around and said she would put me on the schedule for next monday and if I wanted to try something else till I found what I liked that was fine. All I could think is they must get people who can't make up their mind or think volunteering is a not hard work and end up leaving. 


So I was off to the local chapter of exjw meetups today. I coerced my hubbs into going with me. I needed support because I get really nervous meeting new people especially in unfamiliar places.  I didn't have high hopes because first of all it was being held at a community church.  Then I told myself, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt, they probably got the church for free. It was potluck. The couple who runs the group live near LA so they drive up 4 times a year to host the meeting. I thought "Wow, that's dedication." The skeptic in me said "What's their agenda?"

When we came in the hostess introduced herself and then one other man shook my hand and introduced himself. That was it. The rest stayed silent. Okay, maybe they are shy like me. I'm extremely quiet in new social situation and I tend to just watch and listen till I'm comfortable. If you ask me questions I'll talk, but I don't often start the conversation.  The hostess kept saying we will begin in a few minutes. She said this several times. I thought "begin what?" They had a projector set up with movie screen. Hmmmm. I thought we were just here to socialize etc. So The Host gets up to go over the rules of the group for us newbies. He very didactically introduces himself and says "We are not here to bash the  Watchtower." His wife promptly said "Well, yes dear, we are here to bash the Watchtower." He stumbled a bit and then said "Well we are here as a support group for those who need it and sometime that kind of talk is harmful rather than helpful. We have no agenda here. My wife is exjw but  I never was. We are both Born Again Christians." (alarm bells start going off in my head) I'll take him at his word. He also said they were not there to preach. (we'll see)   or